Mother of all Misunderstandings

Who’s the Only person In the world who can make you Angry?

You know who; We tell you why!

Like many adults I’ve often commented that as that much as I love my mother, she is the only person on the planet that can get me from zero to boiling point within seconds! It can be anything from a passing comment to a repeated statement. And yet the same words when spoken by ones friend are taken lightly, or even as sound advice? Why?

One of the main reasons is that, everything we say has a "meta-message" this is information about the message that allows us to interpret the full meaning of what was said. Problems occur when the meta-message given doesn’t match with what the hearer perceives.

"Miss"-communications

Imagine you and your mother go to a function. Shortly after meeting, your mother says: “You looked nice in that dress you were wearing the other day." This could be interpreted as;

  1. ”That was a nice dress you were wearing the other day” or
  2. ”You look awful in this dress!”

Even a gesture of affection such as pulling the hair out of your eyes can be misinterpreted as, “She thinks I don’t even know how to fix my own hair!”
This is especially true if she has made previous comments about your appearance.

Whenever we communicate, we draw on past conversations to derive meaning behind statements or gestures. These situations are inherent in parent-child relationships because there is a long history of conversations upon which they can draw.

Language of Love

Parents tend to feel others judge them by their children. This belief leaves them feeling partly responsible for their children’s triumphs and often totally responsible for their failures. Consequently, this justifies their commentary which can unwittingly infuriate their children.

Innocent statements like “Why don’t you ask Angela where she got her shoes from? They make her look so elegant.” Or “Patricia just had another baby boy. Her mother must be so proud!” Here, the mother is expressing her concern by giving her daughter examples of success. If she didn’t care she wouldn’t bother saying anything at all! Unfortunately, this concern is often interpreted by the daughter as a personal criticism of her life, leading to feelings of hurt, anger and frustration.

However, there is another choice.
A mother's opinion matters, it holds tremendous power. If a daughter can recognise that what sounds like criticism is really concern, she can avoid the ensuing argument and emotional pain that may follow.

Take a moment

Many things said in the heat of the moment we regret later. Take a deep breath, calm down, and asses the situation with a clear mind.

Flip the script

If we understand the reasons why people say what they do, we will be better positioned to work out how to prevent possible conflicts. The next time you are in a potentially explosive situation, put yourself in the other person’s shoes for a moment and consider:

  1. How am I coming across to them?
  2. Could they have interpreted what I’ve said differently?
  3. How do they feel about what I have said?

Doing this, can give you a powerful insight into the other person's behaviour.

Take Control

Most of us believe that our feelings are things we cannot control, they just happen to us. But the truth is we are ultimately responsible for how we feel. Think about it, if a person makes a rude comment you can; choose to be offended and retaliate; get upset but say nothing, letting your anger fester, or you can realise that you have the choice not to let it affect you. Why be a victim of someone else’s actions? Why allow other people to affect your emotions? Making this choice takes power away from the comment, you take back control!

So who is the only person in the world who can make you angry? It's you. Likewise, you are the only person who can create your own peace of mind.

So the next time your mother calls and you feel yourself getting to boiling point, take a moment, flip the script and take control of your emotions!


 

Certified as a Registered Hypnotherapist by

The General Hypnotherapy Register
General Hypnotherapy Standards Council
British Society of Clinical Hypnosis